The Vengeful Toilet

Farfel and Bob and the Vengeful Toilet

Bob noticed something off as soon as he scaled the fence. Farfel’s usual thick orange coat was damp and disheveled. Soggy white bits clung to his fur, and he smelled faintly of cleaning products.


Of course this latest problem would involve Farfel’s nephew and pkitty-in-crime, Rooster. The kitten followed him everywhere. Bob had to ask, “Why are you banned from the bathroom?”

Farfel plucked a wet scrap off his belly and flicked it onto the grass below. “Well, earlier today, the kid made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.”


“I mean, if a kitten asks me for help, how can I say no?”

“By first considering the consequences of your actions?”

Farfel cocked his head against the moonlight and gave the option due consideration. “Nah, I couldn’t have done that.”

Bob was secretly grateful. Farfel’s antics made for great stories. With a friend like him, and a cat lady like Marcia, Bob was never bored.

“Anyway, afterward, amidst the sea of shredded TP, I realized what we’d done.”


“Let’s just say I was certain the Mrs. wouldn’t approve, so we tried to hide the evidence.”

“Under the bed?” Bob guessed. He’d hidden many things under the bed. An orange felt mouse, a receipt Marcia had once dropped and looked everywhere for, and even a cotton ball he’d rescued from the bathroom trash.

“That would have been smart, but no.”

“Hm.” Bob racked his kitty brain. “Under the sofa?” That spot was arguably better than under the bed. Less room for anything to be seen.

Farfel slapped a paw to his face. “They say hindsight is 20/20. Sadly, no, we didn’t hide it under the sofa.”

Bob was stumped. Where would a cat put a whole roll of unfurled toilet paper? “In the basement—“

Farfel cut him off, whiskers twitching, “In the toilet! Humans put it in the toilet, so that’s where I decided to put it!”


“At first, I thought was just lucky someone had left the seat up. But then the  problem was, even after we’d stuffed all the paper into the bowl, you could still see it.”

Bob nodded. He’d encountered that problem many times himself—usually when trying to hide his tail, which was important when playing hide and seek with Marcia. Sometimes he really fooled her!

4BA049DC-AC1E-4438-AE8E-9AF444E5B3B2Farfel gave up on grooming and hunkered down. He fluffed his fur out to dry in the evening breeze. “So we did what the humans do after they use the toilet. We pressed the magic lever. Or in our case, we pulled on it. It was hard to get leverage on that sucker from above.”


“And that’s when things went from bad to worse.”

“The Mrs. came home and found you out?”

“Well, yeah, but there was a bigger problem: the toilet fought back.”

“Huh?” Despite Bob’s extensive study of fantasy and science fiction with Marcia, he’d never heard of such a thing.


“So it tried to eat you?”

“No, it slimed us. Then it slimed the whole bathroom floor! Water and mushy gunk flooded out, making it all the way to the living room carpet. And then the front door opened.”


“You know the rest. She kicked me out and here I am.”

“She didn’t even consider you might be an innocent victim?”

“Heh heh. She knows me too well for that. She did offer to dry the kid off with a towel, though.”


“I mean, you can’t teach that level of cute.”

Bob suspected Farfel had never even aspired to that level of cute. He was too busy causing trouble. “So, what’s your next move?”

“I figure we keep out of trouble for at least a week.”

“And then?”

“Then the kid’s been wanting to practice scaling the refrigerator all in one bound.”

“And you just have to help him with that?”

“Of course! Besides, it’s only the refrigerator. What could possibly go wrong?”

What indeed.


© 2018 Kendra Carmichael


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